My wife, a flight attendant for a major airline, watched one day as a passenger with overloaded bags tried to stuff his belongings into the overhead bin of the plane. Finally, she informed him that he would have to check the oversized luggage.
"When I fly other airlines," he said irritably, "I don't have this problem."
My wife smiled and replied, "When you fly other airlines, I don't have this problem either."
***********
Jill: I just don't understand the attraction golf holds for men.
Nadine: TELL me about it! I went golfing with my ex one time, and he told me I asked too many questions!
Jill: Well, I'm sure you were just trying to understand the game. What questions did you ask?
Nadine: I thought I asked legitimate questions.. like, "Why did you hit the ball into that lake?"
***********
At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar. At a session, last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few, minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Well, I've a-tried to treat-a her nice, spend the
money on her, but best is that I took-a her to Italy for the 20th anniversary!"
The Priest responded, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary."
Luigi proudly replied, "I'm a-gonna go to get her."
If laughter, love and compassion fill your home,
your children will always return.
Debbie
Friday, February 29, 2008
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Children's Bible in a Nutshell
A child was told to write a book report on the entire Bible. The following is her glowing report.
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did. Then God made the world. He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars. Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something. One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat. Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town. After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me,'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say yes!)
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him. Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Any way's, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
If laughter, love and compassion fill your home,
your children will always return.
Debbie
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did. Then God made the world. He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars. Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something. One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat. Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town. After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me,'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say yes!)
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him. Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Any way's, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
If laughter, love and compassion fill your home,
your children will always return.
Debbie
Monday, February 18, 2008
A first grade student told her students that more twins are born now than in past years. One little fellow asked: "Why is that?"
Before the teacher could attempt an answer, another little fellow spoke up: "Because these days little children are afraid to come into the world alone."
************
A teacher asked the kindergarten class, "Can a bear take his warm overcoat off?"
"NO," they answered.
"Why not?"
Finally after along silence, a little fellow spoke up. "Because only God knows where the buttons are."
*************
A father was teaching his son to admire the beauty of nature.
"Look, son, " he exclaimed, "isn't that a beautiful picture God has painted?"
"It sure is, Dad," responded the youngster enthusiastically, "especially since God had to paint it with His left hand."
The father was baffled, "What do you mean, son, His left hand?"
"Well," answered the boy, "My Sunday School teacher said that Jesus was sitting on God's right hand."
If laughter, love and compassion fill your home,
your children will always return.
Debbie
Before the teacher could attempt an answer, another little fellow spoke up: "Because these days little children are afraid to come into the world alone."
************
A teacher asked the kindergarten class, "Can a bear take his warm overcoat off?"
"NO," they answered.
"Why not?"
Finally after along silence, a little fellow spoke up. "Because only God knows where the buttons are."
*************
A father was teaching his son to admire the beauty of nature.
"Look, son, " he exclaimed, "isn't that a beautiful picture God has painted?"
"It sure is, Dad," responded the youngster enthusiastically, "especially since God had to paint it with His left hand."
The father was baffled, "What do you mean, son, His left hand?"
"Well," answered the boy, "My Sunday School teacher said that Jesus was sitting on God's right hand."
If laughter, love and compassion fill your home,
your children will always return.
Debbie
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Ahhhh Love
The wife turned to her husband and asked, "Will you love me when my hair turns gray?"
"Why not?" he said. "Haven't I loved you through five other shades?"
**********
A young man was proposing to his girlfriend:
"Honey, I love you, but I wish I could give you the things my friend Benny has --boats, cars, airplanes -- but honey, I really love you."
She replied, "I love you too, baby, but tell me more about Benny."
***********
Dave told his wife Marylou he would take her out to dine royally.
Later Marylou reported, "We started out at Burger King and wound up at the Dairy Queen."
***********
She: "This is an ideal spot for a picnic."
He: "It must be. Fifty million insects can't be wrong."
If laughter, love and compassion fill your home,
your children will always return.
Debbie
"Why not?" he said. "Haven't I loved you through five other shades?"
**********
A young man was proposing to his girlfriend:
"Honey, I love you, but I wish I could give you the things my friend Benny has --boats, cars, airplanes -- but honey, I really love you."
She replied, "I love you too, baby, but tell me more about Benny."
***********
Dave told his wife Marylou he would take her out to dine royally.
Later Marylou reported, "We started out at Burger King and wound up at the Dairy Queen."
***********
She: "This is an ideal spot for a picnic."
He: "It must be. Fifty million insects can't be wrong."
If laughter, love and compassion fill your home,
your children will always return.
Debbie
Monday, February 11, 2008
A doctors prescription
A man ran to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain. "Please, doctor, you've got to help me. I've been stung by a bee!"
"Don't worry," says the doctor. "I'll put some cream on it."
"You'll never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."
"No, you don't understand!" answers the doctor. "I'll put some cream on the place you were stung."
"Oh! It happened in the garden behind my house."
"No, no, no!" The doctor was getting frustrated. "I mean on the part of your body where the bee stung you."
"On my finger!" screamed the man in pain. "The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts!"
"Which one?" the doctor asked.
"How am I supposed to know? All bees look the same to me!"
************
An overweight clerk consulted the doctor for advice. The doctor advised that the clerk run 10 miles a day for 30 days. This, he promised, would burn off as much as twenty pounds.
The clerk followed the doctor's advice and after thirty days was pleased to note a loss of twenty pounds.
The clerk phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, there was one last question:
"How do I get home, since I'm now 300 miles away?"
*************
My wife and I don't have a lot of "junk food" in the house. Upon eating a snack of some munchies my grandson asked what vitamins we had consumed.
"I doubt there were any at all."
His eyes grew wide. "You mean these are just for fun?"
If laughter, love and compassion fill your home,
your children will always return.
Debbie
"Don't worry," says the doctor. "I'll put some cream on it."
"You'll never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."
"No, you don't understand!" answers the doctor. "I'll put some cream on the place you were stung."
"Oh! It happened in the garden behind my house."
"No, no, no!" The doctor was getting frustrated. "I mean on the part of your body where the bee stung you."
"On my finger!" screamed the man in pain. "The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts!"
"Which one?" the doctor asked.
"How am I supposed to know? All bees look the same to me!"
************
An overweight clerk consulted the doctor for advice. The doctor advised that the clerk run 10 miles a day for 30 days. This, he promised, would burn off as much as twenty pounds.
The clerk followed the doctor's advice and after thirty days was pleased to note a loss of twenty pounds.
The clerk phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, there was one last question:
"How do I get home, since I'm now 300 miles away?"
*************
My wife and I don't have a lot of "junk food" in the house. Upon eating a snack of some munchies my grandson asked what vitamins we had consumed.
"I doubt there were any at all."
His eyes grew wide. "You mean these are just for fun?"
If laughter, love and compassion fill your home,
your children will always return.
Debbie
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Duh !!
A man was in his front yard moving grass, when his neighbor storms out of the house straight to the mailbox, opens it, slams it shut and storms back in.
A little later the neighbor storms out and does the exact same thing again, before storming back in even more red faced.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, out the neighbor comes again, marches to the mailbox, opens it before slamming it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by the neighbor's actions the man asked, "Is something wrong?"
"There certainly is!" the neighbor huffed. "My stupid computer keeps saying, YOU'VE GOT MAIL."
**************
My girlfriend called me as she was driving to an appointment. She arrived, and I could tell from her voice that she was getting frustrated. Finally she said, "I know I had my cell phone with me. And now I can't find it!"
I calmly replied..."Aren't you talking on it?"
**************
It was our second anniversary and my husband sent me flowers at the office.
He told the florist to write "Happy Anniversary, Year Number 2" on the card.
I was thrilled with the flowers, but not so pleased with the card. It read, "Happy Anniversary. You're Number 2."
If laughter, love and compassion fill your home,
your children will always return.
Debbie
A little later the neighbor storms out and does the exact same thing again, before storming back in even more red faced.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, out the neighbor comes again, marches to the mailbox, opens it before slamming it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by the neighbor's actions the man asked, "Is something wrong?"
"There certainly is!" the neighbor huffed. "My stupid computer keeps saying, YOU'VE GOT MAIL."
**************
My girlfriend called me as she was driving to an appointment. She arrived, and I could tell from her voice that she was getting frustrated. Finally she said, "I know I had my cell phone with me. And now I can't find it!"
I calmly replied..."Aren't you talking on it?"
**************
It was our second anniversary and my husband sent me flowers at the office.
He told the florist to write "Happy Anniversary, Year Number 2" on the card.
I was thrilled with the flowers, but not so pleased with the card. It read, "Happy Anniversary. You're Number 2."
If laughter, love and compassion fill your home,
your children will always return.
Debbie
Monday, February 4, 2008
Positive Thinking
An eight-year-old boy had been pestering his father for a watch. Finally his father said in exasperation, "I don't want to hear about your wanting a watch again."
At dinner that night the family each gave a Scripture verse at the dinner table, and the boy repeated Mark 13:37 "And what I say unto you I say unto all, WATCH."
************
The young son of a well-known television star came home from school with his report card.
"Well, Son," said the father, "were you promoted?"
"Better than that, Dad," replied the youngster. "I was held over for another twenty-six weeks."
************
A sunday school teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned to a pillar of salt.
Little Jack interrupted, "My mother looked back and turned into a telephone pole."
If laughter, love and compassion fill your home,
your children will always return.
Debbie
At dinner that night the family each gave a Scripture verse at the dinner table, and the boy repeated Mark 13:37 "And what I say unto you I say unto all, WATCH."
************
The young son of a well-known television star came home from school with his report card.
"Well, Son," said the father, "were you promoted?"
"Better than that, Dad," replied the youngster. "I was held over for another twenty-six weeks."
************
A sunday school teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned to a pillar of salt.
Little Jack interrupted, "My mother looked back and turned into a telephone pole."
If laughter, love and compassion fill your home,
your children will always return.
Debbie
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