A teacher was examining her fifth graders on what they remembered about the various words that Jesus spoke.
One of her questions was this: "What did Jesus say about people getting married?"
Little Johnny blurted out: "Jesus said: 'Father forgive them, for they know not what they do.' "
************
A lady wrote to the advice column in a newspaper:
"I have been engaged to a man for some time, but just before the wedding, I find he has a wooden leg. Do you think I should break it off?"
************
"Do you," the judge asked the groom, "take this woman for better or for worse, through sickness and health, in good time and in bad, whether she be..."
"Confound it, Judge, " broke in the bride, "You're gonna talk him right out of it!"
************
A lady had been married four times.
Her first husband was a banker, the second an actor, the third a minister and the fourth an undertaker.
When asked why the different ones she said: "One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go."
If laughter, love and compassion fill your home,
your children will always return.
Debbie
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Monday, January 28, 2008
Lies and prayers
A young son was bad about telling lies.
One day his father decided to tell his son such a big lie that the boy would be cured from stretching the truth.
"Son," he said, "one day I was walking down the street, and a twenty-thousand-pound gorilla grabbed me, and threw me down, and was ready to throw me over the building, when a little two-and-a-half pound dog came up and threw that gorilla up a tree, and I got away. Son do you believe that?"
"Sure I do Dad, that was my dog!"
*********
Small boy's prayer: "Dear God, take care of Mommy and Daddy and Sister and Aunt Jenny and Uncle Jim and Grandma and Grandpa, and please God, take care of yourself - or else we're all sunk!"
*********
On the first night of his grandmother's visit, a small boy was saying his prayers.
"Please, God," he shouted, "send me a bicycle, a tool chest, a..."
"Why are you praying so loud?" his older brother interrupted. "God isn't deaf."
"I know He isn't", replied the boy. "But Grandma is."
If laughter, love and compassion fill your home,
your children will always return.
Debbie
One day his father decided to tell his son such a big lie that the boy would be cured from stretching the truth.
"Son," he said, "one day I was walking down the street, and a twenty-thousand-pound gorilla grabbed me, and threw me down, and was ready to throw me over the building, when a little two-and-a-half pound dog came up and threw that gorilla up a tree, and I got away. Son do you believe that?"
"Sure I do Dad, that was my dog!"
*********
Small boy's prayer: "Dear God, take care of Mommy and Daddy and Sister and Aunt Jenny and Uncle Jim and Grandma and Grandpa, and please God, take care of yourself - or else we're all sunk!"
*********
On the first night of his grandmother's visit, a small boy was saying his prayers.
"Please, God," he shouted, "send me a bicycle, a tool chest, a..."
"Why are you praying so loud?" his older brother interrupted. "God isn't deaf."
"I know He isn't", replied the boy. "But Grandma is."
If laughter, love and compassion fill your home,
your children will always return.
Debbie
Friday, January 25, 2008
Enemies
One six-year-old cutie-pie had been naughty and was duly scolded by both parents.
At supper, immediately after the hassle, a contrite Papa and Mama asked little Betsy if she would like to say grace.
She bowed her sweet curly head and murmured, "I thank Thee, Lord, that Thou has prepared a table for me in the presence of mine enemies."
************
A nagging wife was always scolding her husband on every occasion.
One day she died. At the graveside service, suddenly there was a great clap of thunder and a big bolt of lightning streaked across the sky.
The bereaved husband contemplated this for a few seconds.
Then finally he turned to the minister and said, "Revered, I think she made it."
************
A lady was drowning and a man jumped in and grabbed her by the hair, but she wore a wig and it came off.
Then he grabbed her by the chin, and her false teeth came out.
The man shouted, "Somebody help me save all of this woman that we can."
If laughter, love and compassion fill your home,
your children will always return.
Debbie
At supper, immediately after the hassle, a contrite Papa and Mama asked little Betsy if she would like to say grace.
She bowed her sweet curly head and murmured, "I thank Thee, Lord, that Thou has prepared a table for me in the presence of mine enemies."
************
A nagging wife was always scolding her husband on every occasion.
One day she died. At the graveside service, suddenly there was a great clap of thunder and a big bolt of lightning streaked across the sky.
The bereaved husband contemplated this for a few seconds.
Then finally he turned to the minister and said, "Revered, I think she made it."
************
A lady was drowning and a man jumped in and grabbed her by the hair, but she wore a wig and it came off.
Then he grabbed her by the chin, and her false teeth came out.
The man shouted, "Somebody help me save all of this woman that we can."
If laughter, love and compassion fill your home,
your children will always return.
Debbie
Monday, January 21, 2008
We should all be this smart!?!
A wealthy lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike. A look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed and figures that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" Instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet. Just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says, "Where's that monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
If laughter, love and compassion fill your home,
your children will always return.
Debbie
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike. A look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed and figures that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" Instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet. Just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says, "Where's that monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
If laughter, love and compassion fill your home,
your children will always return.
Debbie
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Kids In Church
Pam sent me these wonderful stories. I've heard some of them before, but I still giggled.
3-year-old Reese: "Our Father who does art in heaven, Harold is his name. Amen"
A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."
Finally, the boy replied,"That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,and I wanted to stay with you guys."
One particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
A Sunday school teacher asked her children on the way to a church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus."
A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shorewhere a seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
The boy thought for a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"
If laughter, love and compassion fill your home,
your children will always return.
Debbie
3-year-old Reese: "Our Father who does art in heaven, Harold is his name. Amen"
*******
A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."
*******
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.Finally, the boy replied,"That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,and I wanted to stay with you guys."
*******
One particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
*******
A Sunday school teacher asked her children on the way to a church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
*******
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus."
*******
A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shorewhere a seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
The boy thought for a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"
If laughter, love and compassion fill your home,
your children will always return.
Debbie
Monday, January 14, 2008
Our wonderful United States
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany ... Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep.
Now give me back my dog!"
If laughter, love and compassion fill your home,
your children will always return.
Debbie
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany ... Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep.
Now give me back my dog!"
If laughter, love and compassion fill your home,
your children will always return.
Debbie
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Bo-oa-rd !!!
A minister was preaching and said: "Who wants to go to heaven?"
Everybody held up his hand except one young boy.
"Son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?"
"Yes, sir, when I die, but I thought you was getting up a load to go now."
*****
Eight -year-old Billy had a crush on seven-year-old Betty. For Valentine's Day he sent her a small but pretty box of chocolates. With it was this tender note:
"To Betty, with all my allowance ---Billy."
If laughter, love and compassion fill your home,
your children will always return.
Debbie
Everybody held up his hand except one young boy.
"Son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?"
"Yes, sir, when I die, but I thought you was getting up a load to go now."
*****
Eight -year-old Billy had a crush on seven-year-old Betty. For Valentine's Day he sent her a small but pretty box of chocolates. With it was this tender note:
"To Betty, with all my allowance ---Billy."
If laughter, love and compassion fill your home,
your children will always return.
Debbie
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Housekeeping
A newlywed was asked how she liked married life.
She replied, "Oh I hate it."
"Why?"
"You make those dirty old beds, wash those dirty old dishes, and wash those dirty old clothes. And in two weeks, you do it all over again."
********
The young couples' Sunday school class was studying the story of Abraham and Sarah, who in their nineties were blessed with a child.
Among other things the teacher asked, "What lesson do we learn from this story?"
A young mother of three who was having financial difficulties blurted out:
"They waited until they could afford it!"
If laughter, compassion and love fill your home,
your children will always return.
Debbie
She replied, "Oh I hate it."
"Why?"
"You make those dirty old beds, wash those dirty old dishes, and wash those dirty old clothes. And in two weeks, you do it all over again."
********
The young couples' Sunday school class was studying the story of Abraham and Sarah, who in their nineties were blessed with a child.
Among other things the teacher asked, "What lesson do we learn from this story?"
A young mother of three who was having financial difficulties blurted out:
"They waited until they could afford it!"
If laughter, compassion and love fill your home,
your children will always return.
Debbie
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
The dental appointment
For the first time, my four-year-old daughter Kelsey was coming to my office to have me, a dental hygenist, clean her teeth. She was accompanied by her grandmother.
When they came in, I greeted them warmly, seated Kelsey, and, as usual, put on my gloves, goggles, and mask. About ten minutes into the procedure, Kelsey got scared and cried, "I want my mommy!"
I quickly pulled off my mask and said, "I AM your mommy."
Without hesitation, my daughter yelled back, "Then I want my granny!"
If laughter, compassion and love fill your home,
your children will always return.
Debbie
When they came in, I greeted them warmly, seated Kelsey, and, as usual, put on my gloves, goggles, and mask. About ten minutes into the procedure, Kelsey got scared and cried, "I want my mommy!"
I quickly pulled off my mask and said, "I AM your mommy."
Without hesitation, my daughter yelled back, "Then I want my granny!"
If laughter, compassion and love fill your home,
your children will always return.
Debbie
Monday, January 7, 2008
Mother-in-law confusion
My Uncle Don sent this one. Ron and I laughed and laughed.
You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one...
A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house.
The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty for the night. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away.
"Stupid thing, she was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"
The cabdriver hit a parked car...
If laughter, compassion and love fill your home,
your children will always return.
Debbie
You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one...
A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house.
The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty for the night. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away.
"Stupid thing, she was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"
The cabdriver hit a parked car...
If laughter, compassion and love fill your home,
your children will always return.
Debbie
A glimpse of the future
Two boys were playing marbles together when a very pretty little girl walked by.
Once boy stopped and said to his pal, "Boy, when I stop hating girls, she's the one I'm going to stop hating first."
**********
A cheapskate was shopping for an inexpensive birthday gift for his friend. The only thing he could find in his price range was a badly broken vase. He bought it for almost nothing and asked the store to ship it, figuring his friend would think it was broken in the mail.
A week later he received a note:
"Many thanks for the vase. It was nice of you to wrap each piece separately.
If laughter, compassion and love fill your home,
your children will always return.
Debbie
Once boy stopped and said to his pal, "Boy, when I stop hating girls, she's the one I'm going to stop hating first."
**********
A cheapskate was shopping for an inexpensive birthday gift for his friend. The only thing he could find in his price range was a badly broken vase. He bought it for almost nothing and asked the store to ship it, figuring his friend would think it was broken in the mail.
A week later he received a note:
"Many thanks for the vase. It was nice of you to wrap each piece separately.
If laughter, compassion and love fill your home,
your children will always return.
Debbie
Friday, January 4, 2008
Airport Luggage
A friend's daughter received an adorable airport play set as a gift. Since some assembly - actually, a lot of assembly - was required, her husband spent much of the day putting together the plane, the control tower, the runway, the little baggage chute, and arranging the pieces into a teeny tiny air hub.
As he finished up, his wife noticed he was frantically digging around in the box, checking all the packing materials.
"You are not going to believe this," he said."The one piece missing... is the luggage!"
If laughter, compassion and love fill your home,
your children will always return.
Debbie
As he finished up, his wife noticed he was frantically digging around in the box, checking all the packing materials.
"You are not going to believe this," he said."The one piece missing... is the luggage!"
If laughter, compassion and love fill your home,
your children will always return.
Debbie
Separate Rooms
The Anderson family just moved into their new home when a neighbor asked 5-year-old Tommy Anderson how he liked it.
“It’s great,” Tommy said. “I have my very own room and my brother Alex has his own room, and Jamie has her own room too!
But poor mom, she is still with dad…”
If laughter, compassion and love fill your home,
your children will always return.
Debbie
“It’s great,” Tommy said. “I have my very own room and my brother Alex has his own room, and Jamie has her own room too!
But poor mom, she is still with dad…”
If laughter, compassion and love fill your home,
your children will always return.
Debbie
A + student
The English teacher asked Tommy to give her a sentence with an object.
"You are very pretty," he answered.
"What's the object?" the teacher asked.
Tommy replied, "To get an A in English."
If laughter, compassion and love fill your home,
your children will always return.
Debbie
"You are very pretty," he answered.
"What's the object?" the teacher asked.
Tommy replied, "To get an A in English."
If laughter, compassion and love fill your home,
your children will always return.
Debbie
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
Who has the most?
Three small boys were bragging about their fathers.
The first boasted that his dad owned a farm.
The second said his dad owned a factory.
The third boy, a pastor's son, replied: "That's nothin'. My Dad owns hell."
"No way," another boy scoffed. "How can a man own hell?"
"Sure he can," the preacher's son said. "My mom told my grandma that the elders of the church gave it to him last night."
If laughter, compassion and love fill your home,
your children will always return.
Debbie
The first boasted that his dad owned a farm.
The second said his dad owned a factory.
The third boy, a pastor's son, replied: "That's nothin'. My Dad owns hell."
"No way," another boy scoffed. "How can a man own hell?"
"Sure he can," the preacher's son said. "My mom told my grandma that the elders of the church gave it to him last night."
If laughter, compassion and love fill your home,
your children will always return.
Debbie
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
Baptism?
I was driving my car when I noticed a young mother from our church walking with her four-year-old daughter. I slowed my car, rolled down the window, and spoke to them for a moment. After I drove away, the daughter looked up at her mother and asked, "Mommy, isn't that the man who hypnotized me when I was a baby?"
------Rev. John Riley, All Saints Episcopal Church, Jacksonville, Fla.
If laughter, compassion and love fill your home,
your children will always return.
Debbie
------Rev. John Riley, All Saints Episcopal Church, Jacksonville, Fla.
If laughter, compassion and love fill your home,
your children will always return.
Debbie
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