Wife: "Harry! Harry! Wake up! I just heard a mouse squeak!"
Husband, drowsily: "What do you want me to do - get up and oil it?"
*********
"Herbert," said a mother to her six-year-old son, "are you teaching the parrot to cuss after I asked you not to?"
"No way! I was just telling him what NOT to say."
*********
Mama Gnu was waiting for Papa Gnu as he came home for dinner one evening. "Our little boy was very bad today," she declared, "I want you to punish him."
"Oh no," said Papa Gnu. "I won't punish him. You'll have to learn to paddle your own gnu."
*********
Traffic Cop: "Miss, you were doing seventy miles an hour!"
Proud Blondie: "Oh, isn't that splendid! And to think I only learned to drive yesterday!"
If laughter, love and compassion fill your home,
your children will always return.
Debbie
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Monday, April 7, 2008
Three old men
Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test.
The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three?"
"274" was his reply.
The doctor worriedly says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"
"Tuesday" replies the second man.
The doctor sadly says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"?
"Nine" says the third man.
"That's great!" exclaims the doctor. "How did you get that"?
"Jeez, Doc, it's pretty simple," says the third man. "I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday."
If laughter, love and compassion fill your home,
your children will always return.
Debbie
The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three?"
"274" was his reply.
The doctor worriedly says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"
"Tuesday" replies the second man.
The doctor sadly says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"?
"Nine" says the third man.
"That's great!" exclaims the doctor. "How did you get that"?
"Jeez, Doc, it's pretty simple," says the third man. "I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday."
If laughter, love and compassion fill your home,
your children will always return.
Debbie
My oh My....
A minister was completing a temperance sermon.
With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he Said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." Sermon complete, he sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song, Let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."
With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he Said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." Sermon complete, he sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song, Let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."
******
The front door of Murphy's house was badly warped, causing the door to jam now and then. To pry it open they kept a hatchet handy.
One day the doorbell rang. Murphy himself peeked out through the curtains and then shouted in a voice that could be hard through three doors: "Quick, Tommy. It's the pastor. Get the hatchet!"
If laughter, love and compassion fill your home,
your children will always return.
Debbie
Blah !!!
Don't you feel this way sometimes?
Me too!
If laughter, love and compassion fill your home,
your children will always return.
Debbie
Me too!If laughter, love and compassion fill your home,
your children will always return.
Debbie
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Mom knows best!
A couple of hours into a visit with my mother, she noticed I hadn't once lit up a cigarette.
"Are you trying to kick the habit?" she asked.
"No," I replied. "I have a cold, and I don't smoke when I'm not feeling well."
"You know," she observed, "you'd probably live longer if you were sick more often."
*****
After a hard rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddles through her kitchen window.
The older of the two, a five-year-old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into one of the water holes. As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother was running toward them in a panic.
"Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?" she said, as she shook the older boy's shoulders in anger, combined with relief.
"We were just playing church mommy," he said. "And I was just baptizing him. You know,
'In the name of the Father, the Son and in the hole he goes.'"
********
Mom was getting swamped with calls from strangers. The reason? A medical billing service had launched an 800 number that was identical to hers.
When she called to complain, they told her to get a new number. "I've had mine for twenty years," she pleaded. "Couldn't you change yours?"
They refused. So Mom said, "Fine. From now on I'm going to tell everyone who calls that their bill is paid in full."
The company got a new number the next day.
If laughter, love and compassion fill your home,
your children will always return.
Debbie
"Are you trying to kick the habit?" she asked.
"No," I replied. "I have a cold, and I don't smoke when I'm not feeling well."
"You know," she observed, "you'd probably live longer if you were sick more often."
*****
After a hard rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddles through her kitchen window.
The older of the two, a five-year-old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into one of the water holes. As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother was running toward them in a panic.
"Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?" she said, as she shook the older boy's shoulders in anger, combined with relief.
"We were just playing church mommy," he said. "And I was just baptizing him. You know,
'In the name of the Father, the Son and in the hole he goes.'"
********
Mom was getting swamped with calls from strangers. The reason? A medical billing service had launched an 800 number that was identical to hers.
When she called to complain, they told her to get a new number. "I've had mine for twenty years," she pleaded. "Couldn't you change yours?"
They refused. So Mom said, "Fine. From now on I'm going to tell everyone who calls that their bill is paid in full."
The company got a new number the next day.
If laughter, love and compassion fill your home,
your children will always return.
Debbie
Friday, February 29, 2008
Surprising Questions
My wife, a flight attendant for a major airline, watched one day as a passenger with overloaded bags tried to stuff his belongings into the overhead bin of the plane. Finally, she informed him that he would have to check the oversized luggage.
"When I fly other airlines," he said irritably, "I don't have this problem."
My wife smiled and replied, "When you fly other airlines, I don't have this problem either."
***********
Jill: I just don't understand the attraction golf holds for men.
Nadine: TELL me about it! I went golfing with my ex one time, and he told me I asked too many questions!
Jill: Well, I'm sure you were just trying to understand the game. What questions did you ask?
Nadine: I thought I asked legitimate questions.. like, "Why did you hit the ball into that lake?"
***********
At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar. At a session, last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few, minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Well, I've a-tried to treat-a her nice, spend the
money on her, but best is that I took-a her to Italy for the 20th anniversary!"
The Priest responded, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary."
Luigi proudly replied, "I'm a-gonna go to get her."
If laughter, love and compassion fill your home,
your children will always return.
Debbie
"When I fly other airlines," he said irritably, "I don't have this problem."
My wife smiled and replied, "When you fly other airlines, I don't have this problem either."
***********
Jill: I just don't understand the attraction golf holds for men.
Nadine: TELL me about it! I went golfing with my ex one time, and he told me I asked too many questions!
Jill: Well, I'm sure you were just trying to understand the game. What questions did you ask?
Nadine: I thought I asked legitimate questions.. like, "Why did you hit the ball into that lake?"
***********
At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar. At a session, last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few, minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Well, I've a-tried to treat-a her nice, spend the
money on her, but best is that I took-a her to Italy for the 20th anniversary!"
The Priest responded, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary."
Luigi proudly replied, "I'm a-gonna go to get her."
If laughter, love and compassion fill your home,
your children will always return.
Debbie
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Children's Bible in a Nutshell
A child was told to write a book report on the entire Bible. The following is her glowing report.
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did. Then God made the world. He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars. Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something. One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat. Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town. After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me,'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say yes!)
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him. Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Any way's, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
If laughter, love and compassion fill your home,
your children will always return.
Debbie
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did. Then God made the world. He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars. Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something. One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat. Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town. After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me,'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say yes!)
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him. Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Any way's, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
If laughter, love and compassion fill your home,
your children will always return.
Debbie
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